There is only ONE of me!!!

So now that my mom is home, I don't have to go visit her in that God-awful hospital anymore. It's good to have her home, and I thought my life would be less complicated and I would feel MUCH less depressed, worried, and busy, and would have my "life back," my mom back, and my mind at ease. However, I was wrong. I still feel depressed. I still feel worried. I am even MORE busy. I don't have my life back at all. My mind is NOT at ease. The only thing that is true is that my mom is home again. She hasn't even been home for a week yet (almost…she got home last Saturday and it's 2:16am Saturday morning) and I'm already worn out. I can't really list a "typical day" because every day is different and full of stress and frustration.

I've been to their house almost every day help clean…I take that back…just to CLEAN, no one helping me. The house was not thoroughly cleaned in a long time, as it was, but with my mom sick in early November and then gone for two months, it just got worse. Cleaning was the last thing on my dad's mind. So even before my mom got home, I started preparing the house for her, to be "walker friendly," free of things on which she could trip, and just as clean as possible. Of course I helped keep the place fairly neat when she was gone, but I knew my dad would not keep it up. Plus I was spending a lot of time going back and forth from the hospital to his house and then running errands for the both of them. Back and forth and back and forth.

When my mom got home I expected to go over and clean up a bit more and do a little cooking and/or bringing over some frozen foods. I don't have much of a life, but I don't want to spend the majority of it over at my parents' house cooking and cleaning.

It has been an exhausting week; when I look back on it, it seems like it's been so much longer than just a week. During the first few days that my mom was home, we did a lot of going through boxes and boxes of stuff so we could get rid of things and make more room for my mom.

On Wednesday I went over to the house to help clear out the many boxes under my mom's desk (all of us are pack rats). Jeff was going to come over after work…my parents were finally getting DSL! Yay! So I could work on school stuff, check my email, goof off on here. I thought it would take an hour or so. We were there for most of the night. More boxes to be moved. Furniture to be moved. Me to crawl under spaces to plug things in. Filters to install on phone (I did some of the work too thank you very much). One phone was so ancient it wouldn't work with one of the filters, so we had to run to the store and get an inexpensive phone. We got home around 10pm or so. Both of us tired and moody, poor Jeff having to come over after a long day at work.

And not to mention appointments…a podiatrist one for my mom this past Thursday, eye appointment for my dad this past Friday, ultrasound for my mom this coming Monday, follow-up appointment with my mom's primary doctor this Tuesday as well as a doctor's appointment for myself, and to the hard-to-find DMV on Thursday (I spent about an hour being lost downtown last week) so my dad can turn in his eye exam results and FINALLY get his drivers license renewed, so he can hopefully drive himself around a bit more. He has anxiety much of the time and needs me to drive him places. But I can't do that forever. As long as he feels calm and relaxed, I expect him to drive himself. I don't think I feel that it is safe for him to drive my mom, however.

This past Thursday I cleaned out the master bathroom to ready the shower for my mom…we need to get some equipment in there so that she can shower safely…part of my "duties" for next week. I'm sure you'll read all about it (if you want to). The bathroom had been a temporary place to put things that had nowhere else to go, so I spent the afternoon clearing it out. Then I tried the shower. Hardly any water came out. My dad had a fit because this meant we'd have to call out a plumber, which would cost money, and my dad is a tightwad.

Friday morning I called the plumber who was to come to the house at 1pm. Plumber came while I was at my dad's eye appointment…he came at 11am. I got home just in time for him to finish. Shower was fixed, but I still want to get a new shower head…the one on there was ancient. AND the shower is still not totally clean in terms of being washed with disinfectants and such. I've told my dad several times that he needs to do that. Don't even ask me if he has.

After the plumber left, I needed to get back to working on making more room for my mom to actually GET TO the shower, as the whole Master Bedroom was starting to become a storage facility. As I moved stuff out of the way to make a wider path for her, I basically just put it somewhere else at which she wouldn't be walking. So really, just making a different mess out of the mess that was already there.

As she was staying in my old bedroom now because it has more space, I started strip the bed in the Master Bedroom. I started with a comforter, taking it to the washing machine and trying to put it in. STUPID. It was too big. It got wet. It got heavy. I tried to hang it on a clothesline but it was too heavy. And it was raining. I ended up bringing it inside, in a basket. I didn't drip on the carpet, but I got soaked. My dad helped me hang it on a clothes rack in the bathroom. By this time I was a blubbering mess and went home, having to nix the meal I was going to make for him and postpone some buying yet some more things that they needed.

The whole week has been this way. Every day that I went to clean, there was something broken, something incredibly gross, something I shouldn't have had to clean, somewhere else to take one of them…just too much expected of one little 4'11", 84 pound young woman. With at least twice her weight on her shoulders. Yes I'm complaining. I want HELP! I want TWO of me. Or maybe THREE. In the coming weeks I am going to have to call a plethora of repairmen, take my parents to more appointments, cook at least a few times a week, clean most of the house as if I were their maid, and take that stupid comforter to a Laundromat with a big washer and dryer. These are things I SHOULD NOT have to be cleaning. It is NOT my responsibility to clean things that should already have been cleaned a LONG time ago. I don't live there. Why should it be up to me?

And what about my own apartment? Jeff works and when he gets home, he is tired. So I try my best to keep it clean here to at least he bare minimum. By the time I get home from my parents' house, the last thing I want to do it clean. So I feel like I'm letting everyone down. It seems like the more I clean at my parents' house, the more I uncover that needs cleaning or fixing. I'm neglecting our apartment. I don't have much time to relax. I may just sit around on the computer, but my mind is always racing…maybe it is relaxing to mess around on the computer or play my Nintendo DS, but I don't feel like I really got any relaxation in. I end up slacking off (like messing around on here) instead of working on stuff around our apartment, which INCLUDES taking care of some of my parents' stuff…bills, calls to their insurance, repairmen, etc. I check one thing off of my list and add three more.

I am SERIOUSLY considering hiring a maid…someone to come in and initially do a thorough cleaning, and then come once a week or so for maintenance. Of course I'd still work on getting rid of a lot of stuff that is just in the way of my mom's ability to get around the house, I'd visit, I'd cook or bring food, but I am getting wiped out after only a week. Does that make me weak or self-centered? After just ONE week, I am already about to give up. I feel like I should be doing MORE. Here at our apartment, at their house, academically, taking care of MY bills. I never feel like it's enough. Am I doing this to myself? Should I be asking for more help? From my aunt? From my cousins? They all have jobs and kids…I don't, so I'm expected to at everyone's beck-and-call. I'm the one who just "sits around the house all day doing nothing," so this is literally my job now.

My mom, she just got home and is adjusting. After only a week she is becoming depressed at how incredibly annoying my dad has been. My dad in a way is adjusting too but he is happy to have my mom back home. And now I feel like he is taking me even MORE for granted. Instead of him asking for me to get them things or do things for them, I feel like demands and expectations are put on me to do so, and many of these things he can do himself. Not that he doesn't thank me and tell me he appreciates my help, but still…clean the shower. Clean the bathroom. Clean the TOILETS! I am making a bet with you all that in one of my next few my entries, there will be one called "Adventures in Toilet Cleaning." Ridiculous.

So I came home this afternoon, got out of my wet clothes, took a shower, got dressed, washed some jeans, watched TV, and fell asleep.

Okay, I should stop ranting. I don't even know if I'll post this. Much of the house cleaning has been neglected since I moved out about eight years ago. I just didn't realize how much. And I am the one who has to pay for it. I just don't quite know how to balance all of this. Almost all on my own, with my dad sitting back watching TV, and my mom lying down, wanting to help, but not really able to. It's just all so frustrating and draining. I come home at the end of the day and take a nap, worry, cry, worry some more, go to bed, and dread the next coming day more than usual. I am not looking for sympathy. I am just writing about my experiences. Think what you want, but I don't write for a "poor Jess," or a "you're doing great." I just need to vent. And maybe to get advice. But mostly this is cathartic, though I never in a million years thought I would put my whole life out there on the internet for all to see. Hopefully I'll read this a few months from now, after having made much progress while maintaining my sanity, and I'll be proud of myself.

Damnit, I want to be able to read and comment on all of your blog entries and messages to me! I've read some and want to respond so badly. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this shit because I know it's not the most interesting stuff to read, it's long, it's boring, and as hard as I try not to, it sounds like I'm whining. But this is my life right now.

Thank goodness "V for Vendetta" came out today. I got a little break this evening; got to go out and leave my troubles behind for a few hours. Thank you Natalie.