The 31st...the last day of January, the last day of the first month of the New Year. This day was basically filled with MANY errands...to the bank, more laundry for my dad, a little grocery shopping, and a visit with my mom. By this time therapists were doing physical therapy with her every day. She was walking a little farther each day and doing some arm exercises as well. She could still only walk with a walker and with the assistance of the therapists.
It was on this day, for some reason, that I FINALLY realized that my mom could have died...her condition was that serious. For some reason this stunned and scared me. Death is something that I am very afraid of.
I think it didn't really hit me until today because the whole time she was sick, I was so busy doing things for her and my dad, and trying to take care of myself too, and trying to be strong for them, that I didn't even realize what was happening, or maybe I just didn't want to admit it. I KNEW she was sick and that she might not make it, but the word DIE never actually popped into my head as an actual outcome. I hate that word DIE. It's like I was in denial...she went through her two surgeries and I worried about her being okay. I think that was my term for hoping she would not die. All I know is that I never want to feel this feeling again, and I know I will have to. That makes me so sad, scared, and afraid to move on and face the future. It is the WORST possible feeling in the world. Worse than throwing up.
I am SO GLAD she is okay and I will have more time with her, but I feel like her health is at more risk now that she's had these surgeries and her body had been through so much. I still lament almost every night when I go to bed (this is my thinking time) about what should have been done, or how things would have been if the doctor would have been more thorough or if I would have taken her feeling badly more seriously, or that things wouldn't have gotten so bad if she hadn't missed some appointments because she hates to go to the doctor. I don't think I mentioned that. She actually missed several appointments with specialists, which could have made a big difference. I couldn't help it...this has made me MAD at her! I know she is partly responsible for how sick she got, and she should have told me how bad she was feeling and to take her to her appointments if she didn't want my dad to (he always grumbles about having to wait around). Instead, she just didn't tell me about them. But I feel like part of it was my fault and responsibility too...maybe I should have just taken her down to the ER when she started losing all that weight...maybe they would have caught her kidney problem sooner. I hate all of the what ifs and maybes that are still going through my head. How maybe the earlier she would have been diagnosed, the less she would have had gone through and the healthier she would have been then and is now. I am just always searching for answers and am never satisfied until I get them. But this time there is no answer. I guess all I can do is accept the present because I cant change the past. Yeah right...I'm too stubborn to do that.
This reminds me of a quote I heard, of all places, on the television show, "One Tree Hill" (don't laugh at me).
"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone. And do not be troubled by the future, because it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering." Ida Scott Taylor
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