I finally made it to today! I'm all caught up. My mom is doing very well. She is still getting physical therapy, during which she is practicing walking, mostly with a walker. But just recently, she was able to stand up without the walker or the help of the physical therapists.
Mentally, she is my mom again. She is no longer tired all of the time, weak or lethargic. She still does have some pain from the operations, but its not as bad as it was when she was first admitted to the hospital.
She is eating well. However, she continues to lose weight, which is odd. I think in the beginning of this "diary" I mentioned that before she started losing weight, at 5'1 and 1/2" she was about 150lbs or so. When she started losing weight around November, she weighed about 118bls. Today, when we went to see her, my dad said she looked like she had lost some more weight. She told us that she now weighs NINETY SEVEN POUNDS!!! That's CRAZY! With all that she is eating, I thought sure she would be putting on weight. But, she is underweight according to one Height and Weight Chart (they all seem to be different). For her height and frame, she should weigh between 106-118, so she isn't too bad. It's just that she lost it so fast. Now me, I'm 84lbs, and according to that chart, I should weigh 103-113lbs. I guess that's not good. But I've been at this weight for a long time. Things have been tough for me for a long time, and food is typically the last thing on my mind.
I don't know when she is going to come home. I've been told a few different things. She said that the nurses told her she would not be able to come home until the wound on her leg is healed. She also told me that she should be home within a week, but I won't hold my breath. She said that every time she asks about when she may be going home, the nurses usually change the subject.
So overall she seems to be coming along nicely. As for me, all of this went by so fast! Each day was so long, but when I look back on it and look at today's date, it feels like she was just admitted a few days ago. She has now been away in two types of hospitals for EXACTLY one month today. When she was first admitted, I thought she would be there for a couple of days, they would give her some meds, and she would come home. I never imagined she would be hospitalized for a month.
In that month I have learned what it's like to not have my mom here every time I needed her. I couldn't just call her up with a question or to chat. I don't have a ton of friends, so I had to keep myself entertained and be my own company. I had to figure things out on my own instead of asking her. Of course Jeff always helps me, but he likes me to try to figure things out on my own first. Basically I've had to be the person who was relied on instead of the person who is always relying on others.
I've also realized just how strong of a person my mom is. I already thought she was a strong woman, but she has dealt with all of the poking, prodding, operating, and medications amazingly. She was irritated at times, but that's to be expected. My dad and I probably worried about her more than she worried about herself!
I know that one day I will probably have to go through something similar again. I feel like I am now more prepared for it, which is good and bad. Now I know how hard it is going to be, but I also have a lot more knowledge of what to do if/when I have to take care of a sick family member, especially a hospitalized one. This experience has also taught me to keep a better eye on my parents. My mom hates to bother people and keeps her aches and pains to herself. This was the first time she actually admitted she was in pain and showed it. From now on, if anything seems wrong with her, off to the doctor she goes!
My mom has always been my best friend, so shes has a dual role in my life. It was very hard to think that I might lose two very important people that I care about. After going through this ordeal, I appreciate her now more than ever. She has taught me SO MUCH throughout my life, and ironically, her getting sick has taught me how to face my fears, be strong, and become more independent and assertive. I wish it didn't take her getting sick to get to that point though.
I will always remember January 5th, 2006. It will always be a significant day in my life. It will be a day that I look back on as the beginning of my role in my family as a caretaker and an adult instead of someone who always has to be taken care of. I honestly don't know how I got through all of this. There were times when I could not deal, when I felt like I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!! But here I am, my mom is fine, I'm relatively fine, and I've even grown from this experience.
My advice to you all is to cherish your relationships with your family and friends, and to never take anything for granted. Make sure you spend time with your family and friends, and make sure to keep an eye on their health and well-being. And despite how scary it sounds to go through something like I have, it is scary and you really cant do anything about it except be there for your loved one and let them KNOW and FEEL that you are there. Give them something to fight for. It may seem like you don't know what to do when faced with a similar challenge, but you'll see everything you need will emerge when you need it - like its instinctual. I never thought I would handle everything as well as I did (usually) and I still don't know how I did it!
I want to thank all of you who took the time to read this, and for the support I have received from many of you. Writing about this ordeal made me learn a lot about myself because it gave me a chance to sort of re-live what I went through and what I did well or what I could have done better. I don't know why I purposefully went through most of this alone. Only very close friends and family members knew what I was going through. I think I had to prove to myself that I could do this on my own.
So I guess this is it. I've gotta stop rambling. Enough philosophizing. From now on I'll give updates if something really big happens, but otherwise, this is the end of my diary about a life-altering experience for me and my family, and especially what my mom had to endure. I am not the same person I was before this happened, and neither is my mom. I put my WHOLE LIFE ON HOLD for over ONE MONTH to take care of my mom. And I DON'T regret it. It's kind of like we both lost a month of our lives, and at the same, time went through one month of hell. Now I have to figure out how to get back to "my life," trying to keep good the stuff that I've learned and leave out the bad stuff that wasn't there when I was so focused on my mom.
I think we both emerged as stronger and more resilient individuals. We endured things we thought wed NEVER have to face and now we have to try to put this in the past get on with our lives, while never forgetting the important lessons we have taken away from this experience. How we do that, I have no idea. It's a scary prospect, redefining a part of myself without even realizing I was doing so. But one thing I don't know is who am I now, and where do I go from here?
"But that is life. If nothing else, that's life, you know? It's real. Sometimes it fuckin' hurts. But to be honest, it's sort of all we have." --Sam, "Garden State"
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