Today I was told that while no new bacteria had been found in my mom's leg wound in the last 24 hours, there was still a lot of pus in there. The nurse said that it should have been half way healed by now, but it wasnt. So, a surgeon was definitely going to come in and evaluate whether or not my mom needed further surgery on her leg. However, the nurse said that they also put in recommendations as well...they suggested in her file that she have a different kind of packing (ew) in her wound, called a Wound Vac, that does something like continuously vacuum out the pus (ew again). But the surgeon makes the final decision.
The gall stones were also still an area of concern. The surgeon was going to evaluate this further as well and decide whether the gall stones should be taken out or her whole gall bladder would be removed. He was going to make this decision by Monday.
I hate waiting. I wanted to just grab the doctor and say WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? WHAT ARE THE SIDE EFFECTS OR CONSEQUENCES GOING TO BE??? Of course I looked gall bladder removal up on the net and this kind of operation didn't seem so bad, it's just that like I said before, I was afraid that since my mom was still pretty malnourished (she still was not eating very much), was anemic, and all of her chemicals were out of whack, I didn't think she was in any shape to have surgery. But I'm not the doctor.
The worst part of this is telling my dad. He, as you know, always jumps to conclusions, and I was afraid of how he was going to react to this news. I was surprised he didnt get TOO upset. He evidently didn't seem to think that getting your gallbladder removed was a HUGE deal, but he was still worried.
It was getting harder and harder to deal with my dad. He was depressed, lonely, confused, you name it. He just wanted my mom get better and come home. His memory seems to be getting worse...I'll get about 5 or 6 calls from him every night, sometimes asking the same question or a question he had asked me another day. His mind is just so jumbled up right now that he can't think straight even more than usual. He tries to visit her every day but sometimes he says he's too anxious to make that 15-minute drive, so I pick him up and take him.
So now I felt like I was taking care of BOTH of my parents with not much help. Jeff was still working on their finances and coming with me when I needed him, if he could. He was also the one there to comfort me and hold me when I cried. But I pretty much felt like I was doing everything else that it was MY responsibility; it was all on ME. I felt resentful for that, but for some odd reason, I felt like I HAD to be in charge. I had offers from various friends and family for help and I just thanked them. Oddly, I DIDNT WANT help. I think I just wanted to be there for my mom during the ENTIRE time that she was sick, so I didn't miss anything and could make sure the staff was treating her well.
From day one and even before my mom went into the hospital, those family and friends said they were so proud of me, that I was being very brave, dealing with all of this very well, being strong and tough, doing things on my own, being there for my mom and dad, not crumbling. While I appreciate what they say, it just makes me feel MORE pressure and MORE desire to do things by myself. I dont know if I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this or if I felt that I had to live up to everyones expectations. They saw me doing a good job and I wanted to continue to show them that I could. I just know that for certain experiences, I push myself too hard and end up paying for it. I wish I cold use the lessons I've learned with this ordeal in other problem areas in my life, but I feel like I can only do this because I am doing it FOR someone else. There are other things that I've put on hold for various reasons...mostly out of fear and depression. My mom is pretty much the only thing on my mind day and night, but I have learned that I CAN be okay doing difficult things that Im afraid to do, and I'm okay afterwards. I have a feeling that this won't transfer over to the things in my life that I'm having trouble with when this is all over though. This situation pretty much threw me into the ocean and let me sink or swim.
This experience has taught me that there are things I CAN do things that in the past I was afraid to do, the typical "grown up" things that my parents did for themselves or for me, basically stuff that adults do to run a household. I had to FORCE myself to do them now, and as scared and uncomfortable as I was, I MADE myself to do these intimidating things. I think I was kind of pushed into being more independent and it just happened so fast that I didnt even realize what I was capable of doing. Me? Independent? I still fear things that I have do to and will try to put them off, but I find just doing them and getting things over with feels SO much better. But it's still very hard and doesn't seem to get much easier, even though I was successful in the past. Will I ever NOT be a scared child, even though I am technically an adult and have to do adult things? I dont know. At least it hasn't killed me yet.
Wow, I didnt think Id write this much. Sorry about it mostly being about me. I just needed to get that out.
p.s. I write these entries in MS Word and then paste them onto the Myspace page so that I dont lose them. Later on Ill find typos in the blog that I didnt make; I guess the transfer from Word to Myspace messes some stuff up. So if you see those typos, its not my fault! Im actually a spelling and grammar freak and cant stand those types of errors when I see them written by other people! Im one of those people who will correct a person on a TV show if they say something the wrong way, or point out typos in books, magazines, websites, etc. Im really kind of annoying in that way.
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