Reaching Out

I hope I haven't made a fool of myself posting this. I often write and post now, and then think later. There's always the delete button...

I SO don't feel like writing tonight but I guess if I don't I'll just get behind today.

I woke up feeling incredibly depressed today and didn't feel like doing anything. I needed to go visit my mom because she REALLY needed clothes…I did her laundry last night. But I just couldn't find it in me to go.

I have also been wanting to get her a cell phone forever. I am tired of this bullshit of her not having a phone. Yes, she has a roommate, and yes, they are there to "work" on physical therapy, and yes, they can have visitors, but she only has the one roommate who is not a family member, she only has physical therapy once a day, and sometimes no family or friends are able to go visit her. That can get so lonely and it has been proven that people heal faster when they have social interaction, and a phone is better nothing.

Jeff wanted me to go get one for her myself, and I wanted him to come with me. We have a family plan and he wanted me to put her on our plan and switch it so that my parents paid for it to get him off of the plan because he gets a free phone from work now and doesn't use that service anymore. So I wanted to wait for him to get off work. I am glad he came with me because the whole switching service thing was incredibly complicated and I would have had no idea what to do. We got a pretty cute, fairly uncomplicated one and are figuring it out tonight and taking it to her tomorrow. We did go see her tonight and showed it to her and brought her clothes, of course.

Okay so I digress. I did something kind of sneaky. My dad is SO stubborn. Those of you who have been keeping up know that my dad had his drivers' license revoked because he failed his driving test 3 times. Still, he declares that he will go on long trips to go fishing and such, and that if there are days when I cannot take him to see my mom, he's threatened to just drive down there himself. He's even driven it around the block a few times. If he got pulled over…well that would be bad. What would be WORSE would be him getting in an accident and hurting himself and/or something else…or worse. I've talked to him time and again about how he doesn't have a license and it is illegal for him to drive and he is no longer allowed to, and he says he is still able to. I've told him that doesn't matter, IT IS AGAINST THE LAW FOR HIM TO DRIVE! The DMV does not think he is capable of driving safely! He says he doesn't care and if he wants to drive, he will drive.

So a few weeks ago I got fed up with his shit and swiped both his car keys and his spare set. This morning he called me and asked me if I had his car keys. I said I did. He asked me if he could have them back. I said no. He asked me why. I told him because he is worrying me with all of his talk about taking long trips or even just to go see my mom. I told him that he is not allowed to drive anymore. He said he can drive just fine. I said that the DMV doesn't think so. He said he has another pair but he can't find them. That's because I have them. He said that he'll have to go down and try to get his license again. I told him he can't; that the DMV revoked it. Then he said he'd just have to hot-wire the car. I told him that is stupid and would get him into even more trouble. He said if that was the only thing he could do to drive, that's what he'd do. Again I told him that I was just worried for his safety because he kept saying he was going to drive and he is not supposed to. He just said something like whatever, I'll talk to you later, and hung up on me. Then later on in the day he called me a few times and asked if I was going to take him to go see my mom and I told him I didn't know. I am thinking he maybe forgot about that incident? Later on while I was in the shower getting ready to go see my mom, he called and left a message, just asking me to call him back, but I didn't call him back.

So when we went to see my mom, she was lying flat on her back. For those of you who know of her experience starting last November, which pretty much lead to me starting my blog, her leg was hurting again and she could barely move it. So they told her to just lie flat on her back and not move at all. She also told me that her physical therapist said her insurance would run out on Wednesday of next week. Okay yeah…so she is supposed to have 100 days of coverage. She has been in that place for about 2 weeks with NO improvement, and they want to kick her out?

Typically they discharge you if you meet some goals. She has NOT improved at all. So now I have to go talk to her physical therapist, something I was supposed to do weeks ago. I know. I suck. I do. Don't go telling me I don't and how wonderful I am to my mom. There are so many things I just don't do that I should. Things I try so hard to get myself up to doing that I don't, and like this here, it comes back to bite me in the ass. Because I'm a coward. A lazy coward. So many things. So many things that would probably make things better than they are now. So many things.

My mom also told me that her PT said I should talk to a social worker there, because they didn't want her going home. WTF? So they want to discharge her but they don't want her going home? He suggested the SW might have some places she can go that are low-cost. But will these be covered? What are we going to do? Is this because I've been too neglectful about going and asking more questions and not keeping up as well as I should? I don't want any of you to tell me I've been doing the best I can and not to be so hard on myself because I haven't been doing the best I can.

Oh yeah, and after three days her fucking doctor finally gave us the okay to let her go to outside appointments. She needs to get blood tests and see her endo. But how, if she can't move? I don't know what to do. I just don't know. I'm so confused and I feel like…just really lonely. I mean REALLY REALLY lonely. It's hard to explain how lonely I feel.

Anyone who's been to my site and read "My Details" knows I'm an Atheist. I don't pray. I don't believe in God. But I respect anyone who does, and anyone who believes in whatever they choose to believe in. Or nothing at all. So I'm asking you all, I respect anyone who wants to say whatever they want for me (prayers, etc.). I would appreciate that. It sounds selfish that I'm asking for ME tonight. I believe that most if not all of you who read my blog do this for my mom, but tonight, I really have to ask for me. This is just HARD. And I believe that if you all do this for me… well I'm hoping it will give me the strength to do a better job in taking care of my mom. So I have things I want to ask for I guess (using prayer or whatever else you use).

I ask for strength, and to feel strong. I ask for this lonely, empty feeling to go away. I ask to no longer feel SO INCREDIBLY ALONE. I ask for me to keep it together and be able to do what's best for my mom. I ask to feel believed in, totally and completely.

I ask for me to feel like I have 1,000 arms around me holding me tight, and 1,000,000 hearts giving me their unconditional love. I ask for just ONE day without tears. I ask for a feeling of overwhelming support. I ask for a feeling that I am trying as hard as I can. I ask to feel that there are those out there who are proud of me for what I've done. I ask to somehow know the right things to do for my mom and how to do them. I SO MUCH just want to feel supported and believed in. I'm not really asking it FROM anyone. I'm asking for you all to do whatever rituals you do according to your beliefs, or even if you don't have any. To help me feel and "find" these things, or to help these things find their way to me.