My Worst Nightmare

Most of you know that I have emetophobia, which is the intense phobia of throwing up and all things having to do with throwing up. If you don't know what it is, type it into Google and look it up.

Jeff threw up twice early this morning (Sept. 30th). Once around 4:30am and around 6:30am. After the first time he said he thought it was just the food he ate, so I went back to bed with him. But since he just did it again, I was not so sure. Yesterday we shared some food and kissed…I'm so scared I'm going to get it. What do I do???

He woke up and was cold and had chills and just felt bad, so he got dressed warmer and I got an extra blanket and socks and put them on him. He said he just felt really weird inside…like everything was going really fast or something. I started drifting off to sleep when I heard him throwing up and he told me to leave the room. After he was done he came out and I decided to go back to bed. Then he woke me up I heard him doing it again so I decided to sleep on the couch, but still, I could catch this! What if it's not from food? He doesn't have a fever but I've read you don't always have to have a fever to have a stomach virus I'm so scared.

Jeff woke up around noon and I woke up around 11am. He said that he'd threw up 3 times in all, about 3 hours apart, and that each time was worse than the last. The last time his body got so weak that he just had to lay on the floor…he like did it, had to lie on the floor, and then had to do it some more, but I guess it was part of the same "episode. He said throughout the night he had chills and body aches and felt weak.

By 12:30pm, he was and is just plain weak, warm, and aches all over, but says he feels better than he has all night. He was able to joke a little and he said that's the first time he was able to since he started getting sick. He has a fever of 101 degrees. At that time he was drinking cold water and watching a DVD in bed. Right now, at 4:51pm, he's asleep.

I am staying home. My first instinct is to go to my mom's but he needs me to take care of him. It would be so hard for him to get up and get things for himself. And it's so hard b/c my mom is sick…she is the first one I turn to. I call her when stuff like this happens and she is able to calm me a bit. And she is not so bad that I can't talk to her, but with the meds she's on and with how she feels, she's kinda incoherent, tired, hard to understand, she kinda slurs her words…so it's almost like she's not here for me this kind of stuff…it's like my preparation for when she's not here at all. I feel so alone. My mom always made me feel not alone in times like this. It's like I already miss my mom.

The past few days he wasn't feeling well…his stomach was acting up a lot; Guess who else's stomach has been that way…MINE!!!

So I'm doomed…I know I'm gonna get it. How long do I have…when is it gonna start for me? I am so afraid to eat. Jeff said that would make it worse but the way he described it, by the final (hopefully) time he threw up, it was VERY violent. I'd say that must have been around 8:30am or so. I was sleeping on the couch and am very lucky I didn't hear him; he's a pretty loud vomiter. I feel so badly for him. I started crying when he told me how bad it got…not because I was scared at all, but because I felt so badly for him. He must have felt so awful and I don't ever want him to feel that awful.

So I feel like I'm scared and I'm trying to protect myself the best I can using sanitizers, hand sanitizer, and when I touch things I know he's touched, I use a paper towel to open doors or pick things up. But I just know I'm going to get this. I am determined not to eat. I can't get myself to take a shower because that's the bathroom where he did and it's such a cramped, tiny little room that gets stuffy SO easily. I'm just sitting around waiting to get it. What do I do in the meantime? I feel so alone and just like it's not fair. I know it's childish to think it's not fair but that's how I feel.

Right now I'm cold. That worries me, but we did turn the A/C down. I'm so scared. I don't want a stomach virus! How can he take care of me when I'm sick? I know that's selfish but I'm the emet and I'll probably need more care than he does!

Wish me luck. I'd say send wishes that I don't get sick but I can't help thinking that I will. I'll try really hard to think that I won't though; then my head could start playing games on me. All I've had to eat today is about half a bag of M&M's and it's near 5pm. I'm kinda hungry but if I eat, more stuff would come up if I threw up. I hate emetophobia.