Why Bother?

Why bother being nice to anyone? My problem is that I can't NOT be nice. If I'm not nice, I feel HORRIBLE about myself. I HATE hurting people and will feel horrible for DAYS. And I'm a negative person. Maybe this combination just puts people off.

Sometimes I'm too nice. I will do almost anything for anyone, even if I don't know them very well. That's even worse. That's going above and beyond for no reason other than wanting to help someone. I don't really expect anything back except a "Thank You" and hopefully appreciation. But I get taken advantage of, dumped by people who said they'd always be my friend, made fun of, abandoned, had friends taken away from me, stabbed in the back, walked all over, ridiculed...I could go on and on. And the thing is, most people who AREN'T nice are the ones that get everything. Why is that about?

It's kind of a trait I have. I am not bragging about myself. I don't LIKE this trait, being nice, because I have no backbone at all. I've tried to be mean and it doesn't work. I'm not good at it. I go too far and hurt someone and then the niceness comes back and there I go feeling miserable again because I wasn't nice. I know it doesn't make sense.

Of course there are occasions when a person can't help but be pissed off. But in terms of personality, meanness is not in my nature, so it's something I have to TRY to do unless I'm REALLY mad. The middle road of that is that I become withdrawn. I want to be left alone, I leave others alone, I go into some kind of weird trance...this I do not bring on myself. I just get so hurt or upset that I kinda go into comatose-mode. I hate that feeling. But I'm in withdrawn mode more lately than any other mode. Which also means I'm in an incredibly-hurt-for-way-too-long-and-way-too-often mode. I stuck in purgatory I guess. I still have my niceness, but it's kind of automated and I become indifferent, apathetic, and sullen. There's just only so much of it I can take. I am in a never-ending state of hurt-ness. But damnit even then I'm nice!

So anyway, I don't know why I bother being nice to people whether I know them or not, whether they've harmed me or not, whether they're nice to me or not. The only reason I can think of is because that's how I was made and I'm too weak to control my feelings. They are either at one extreme or the other. And I let it happen over and over.

I really don't know why I'm writing this. I just feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about it so I guess I'd write about it for therapeutic reasons so that others can read it and make fun of what a whining, complaining person I am. And I'm sure they'll come up with some other wonderful comments of their own.

I just feel like I've been treated too shitty for too long and I'm tired of just going along and continuing to be nice to people. I try to tell myself that I need to stay away and be cordial and friendly, but not open up. But I'm stupid and I do and I get hurt again. And the only thing I can see happening to the niceness is that it gets turned into suspicion, paranoia, distrust, introversion, withdrawal, negativity, and vengeance. I don't think those are necessarily MEAN, because I don't DO anything, I just FEEL them. If anything, I'm probably meaner to myself than anyone I've ever known.

Okay, let the criticisms begin. I was the stupid one who put this out there, for reasons I cannot fathom. I actually believe I'm going to post this.