Good Morning and Happy May

So my first call in the morning was from my mom's doctors office. The doctor's assistant told me that the nurse who comes to check on my mom three times a week for wound care called the doctor because she was concerned about my moms pulse steadily decreasing low pulse rate. The assistant said that my mom was going to have an appointment and be measured with a Holtor Monitor, and that she'd have to wear it for 24 hours. When is the appointment? In JULY. JULY??? So my mom has to go for about 2 months with a pulse rate that is BELOW 50??? Which could possibly cause HEART PROBLEMS or complications with her organs? The assistant said that my mom was put on a waiting list in case there are any cancellations, but who knows where she is on that list?

Speaking of lists, this is just another thing to add to her list of health problems. However, I think it all leads back to WAY before November when she started getting sick...maybe at least 6 months or more. Around that time she told me she had a benign tumor in her neck and I think that was the thyroid problem, because her condition, hyperparathyroidism, which I talked about in another entry, can cause all of the problems for which she ended in the hospital. So her kidney wasn't the problem, her gall bladder wasn't the problem, her leg abscess wasn't a problem (which was something that HAPPENED when she bumped her leg, not something that was CAUSED totally by an internal abnormality), it was thyroid. Had it been taken out when it was found, could all of this have been avoided? I'm so confused and frustrated. I mean, if that's the case, WHY wasn't it taken out? Was my mom being stubborn about it or did the doctor think it wasn't necessary? In any case, it pisses me off. If my mom was being stubborn about it and evading appointments...I dont even want to say what I think about that. But if the DOCTOR kept waiting for the results and realized she never had it removed, shouldn't he have at least had his assistant call her?

I hate being kept in the dark and I also hate being lied to. The only way I feel I can help is to get the truth. This all runs together so much that it's hard to keep every appointment straight. Like Ive said before, my mom has missed appointments and didn't tell anyone she had them, but I didn't know this, nor did I know the purpose of each appointment. I know my mom said that the doctor told her there was nothing to worry about with the benign tumor, but why leave the tumor in there? I SO MUCH want to know if surgery was recommended and my mom never made an appointment to have it done, either out of fear or because of money reasons.

How do I find that kind of information? Its like an unsolvable mystery. Its like one of those bad mystery movies in which you think the mystery is solved and then the writers throw a in a twist as a filler because they ran out of good dialogue, and then another twist, and another, and it starts to get ridiculous to the point where you don't even know what went on at all. I don't know what to think anymore and I'm fearful of getting my hopes up about anything regarding her health.

I still feel guilty that I wasn't more active in terms her physical health and keeping updated by her doctors from the beginning...before she was sick, when she first had the tumor problem. Maybe I could have done something to help, because my mom IS stubborn and also good at keeping secrets, skipping appointments, even lying about how she feels, usually due to my dad complaining about money. What if this could have avoided ALL the money and pain we all endured during the two months she was in the hospital??? WHY DIDNT she trust me enough to confide in me about this? She cant just ignore something like that. Sorry to rant on and on. Its just so frustrating. I feel like something should have been done a LONG time ago and somehow my mom was either overlooked or she just didnt bother to follow up. I really wish I knew. I know it wouldnt make anything better now, but it would just make me feel better to know I guess, and I dont know why. I cant think in the past though, I have to think in the present and future. It does me no good to wonder about something that has already happened...all it does is cause me to waste my time worrying about something that I cant change. So now I guess all we can do is wait until July 3^rd.